Sweater: Forever 21, Skirt: San Soucci, Flats: Urban Outfitters, Watch: American Exchange-BCF
I don't know if it's because I'm deep in thought about becoming a mom in 13 weeks or just because my hormones have been out of whack for the last 27, but I feel like I'm more serious when I'm pregnant.
And I pretty much hate that.
I used to be much funnier and light hearted. Still deep, but more fun.
I just feel like I'm boring and no fun these days and maybe even a little bit brain dead.
I'm sure you've figured out by now that pregnancy isn't really my thing, and although I feel incredibly blessed to have life growing within me (trust me, I DO!!), I just don't feel like me.
Everything about my body is different. And now I'm realizing that my spirit has slightly dulled in the last few months.
Not to mention, my life is about to change FOREVER.
I hear it's worth it, and I'm certain it will be.
But pregnancy has been incredibly awkward for me and that's my real story.
I used to feel bad that I didn't love being pregnant-- as if it reflected the kind of mother I would become.
A mother that doesn't love being a mother.
But I know I'll be obsessed with that little boy the moment he arrives!
I used to feel bad (or rather, let other people make me feel bad) for not choosing to do a natural birth.
I haven't decided completely against it, but I just want to see how I feel when I get there.
I know to some of you experienced natural birth-ers that seems completely naive, but for me it works. And who knows? Maybe I'll be able to make it without the epidural.
But also maybe not.
And I'm OK with that.
I used to feel bad that the idea of breast feeding totally freaks me out.
Yes, I know it is best for the baby.
Yes, I will be feeding my baby breast milk (hopefully).
But I plan on using a bottle as soon as possible for multiple reasons.
Because that's what I think will work best for me.
I love when people are passionate about how they want to do things, but sometimes I let them bully me.
Some women really do believe that there is one right way and all the other ways are wrong/harmful, and I'm just not one of them.
All I know is me and when it comes to pregnancy and parenting and everything in between, my husband and I just need to make the best decisions that we can for us.
Sorry to get so deep and down, but that's honestly how I've been feeling inside lately and I just want to keep things real here.
Also, I want to say a genuine "thank you" to all of your encouragement along the way! I really hope you don't think of me as a needy, insecure blogger that talks about how ugly I feel just to reach for compliments in the comments, but I feel like no one ever told me that sometimes pregnancy isn't all glowy and stuff. Your compliments mean so much to me now more than ever, so
THANK YOU FOR BEING SO GREAT
AND HELPING ME THROUGH THIS EMO SEASON
OF BLOGGING!
And I promise I won't talk about pregnancy as much anymore.
Although, there have been some pretty hilarious stories that have come from it : )
I love when you blog about pregnancy! I want to hear about all the ups and downs, I feel like it will prep me more for when I'm finally pregnant. And you feel what you feel, you can't just blog about the good and forget about the bad, that's part of blogging, being you! My sister let people bully her about bottle feeding her first one, but she knew that was what was right for her when she had the second, so I promise it gets easier :).
ReplyDeleteHave a great day Sarah!
Tracy
I don't personally have any children, but my sister has three. She said all three of her pregnancies/babies were different and each one required her to do things a little differently. There isn't a standard operating procedure with this kind of thing. :) Do what works for you, it's your life, your body and your baby!
ReplyDeletePrayers and hugs sent your way!
Aww, I think how you're feeling is completely normal. I've never been pregnant, thus no children but many of my friends have been in that place. You are exactly right about finding what works best for you & your husband. Other people won't be up at 1am feeding, so it's really none of their business if you breast feed or use a bottle. Who are they to judge? I've heard a lot of women have these feelings and they certainly will not reflect on what kind of mother you will be.You are going to be a fantastic mother!
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
Lindsay @
LindsayJEverday.blogspot.com
Sarah, just from reading your posts you come across as an incredibly kind, caring and thoughtful person! Regardless of all the nit picky details/choices about giving birth, breast feeding etc you will be an amazing mother! :)
ReplyDeletexx Veronica
Well, I like to hear about your pregnancy! I will be a mom in 18 weeks (eek) so I'm interestet in other pregnancys I guess.. (-:
ReplyDeleteAmen. I think Christian women in particular can feel like there is only one right way, theirs.. Last time I checked God made me me and last time I checked the Holy Spirit was in me and I'm gonna trust that instead of listening to everybody else :) Good reminder Sarah, it's a great lesson to learn and be reminded of in every new season of life!!
ReplyDeleteLOVE this, and you are not alone in your thoughts. SO glad you shared.
ReplyDeleteSarah! Your thoughts are totally normal and I could have totally written this! Of course breastfeeding seems weird...it kind of is if you've never done it before, but will feel completely natural once he comes out! That's what the initial "bonding time" is for! Also, there's nothing wrong with giving him a bottle...both of my boys started using a bottle in their first week of life (and I had to supplement with
ReplyDeleteformula. Gasp!) I got induced with Bennett and loved my epidural after many hours of intense pitocin contractions! I went into Buckley's birth with the "I'll take it as it comes" mentality and was very happy with how it turned out! Umm yeah I agree with everything else too but this comment is super long already...just wanted to give you some encouragement and I think you are already a great mama! Also, I haven't seen you in forever!
Ugh, those people with strong opinions that try to push them on you? Drive me nuts.
ReplyDeleteYou're the mom, you know what will make you happy and, in turn, the best mom you can be. It's all your decision, not theirs! Hold strong!! :)
I feel pregnancy is a very personal thing that happens to us. How you feel about it is your feelings not anyone else's. I didn't not really enjoy the whole pregnancy, mostly I was uncomfortable & didn't like all the constant attention my belly brought on me BUT I love being a mom! when it comes to parenting if something works for you, do it if not don't. No one should make those decisions for you. Its a learning experience & you will learn what is best for you & baby!
ReplyDeleteLOVE YOU. Trust me, a million people will tell you a million of the one and only ways to do a million things. You are a woman, made by God, with His wisdom. And you are using it. And praise the LORD above for epidurals :)
ReplyDeleteLet me know if you need anything. I know this period is awkward and everything changes. It is like a major life shift with another little life involved (it literally is). I think the whole body changing is the first in a long line of the death to self things :) It makes the lack of sleep after a little easier to die to (kind of). Love you.
I think it's only natural to wander how you will be as a mom. I was so excited my first pregnancy and this time around I feel like I'm not as excited as I should be. So I can totally relate. As for birth and parenthood at the end of the day you need to do what's best for you. I would have loved to try a natural birth but who am I kidding. Give me drugs. And that all went out tr window anyway since I ended up having a c section and loved it! You just have to do what works for you and is right for you. You'll be a great mom! Your almost done with this pregnancy and then your baby will be here!
ReplyDeleteAh the "Breast is Best" thing drives me crazy. It is a totally personal decision and everyone seems to want to get in your business about it. I'm not sure yet which way we will choose to feed the little one but it should not be something that is up for discussion with people who are not me and my husband. Unless of course we ask for other opinions.
ReplyDeleteYou are lOvely and I can already tell you are such an amazing mother. You will find (seems like you already are) that no matter what your choices, the kind of mother you can be is the BEST for your guy :). Love you!
ReplyDeleteFirst, I think you are literally the most gorgeous pregnant lady in the world! love how cute you dress your bump. Second, you are going to be an amazing mama! Your little guy is going to be so loved! Love reading the "real" version of pregnancy!
ReplyDeleteaw, sarah! you are going to be such a wonderful mom- don't let other people make you believe different. nothing makes me more annoyed than mothers bullying expectant mothers with their experiences. enjoy this time!
ReplyDeleteSarah, I'm pretty sure you could be passed out from exhaustion or hyped up on medicine making references to unicorns and you'd still be stinkin' ADORABLE!
ReplyDeleteSo what if pregnancy is not your thing!? We love YOU! Happy, adorable, funny, encouraging, dull, boring, tired, cranky... forget the mood, it's YOU... and we love it :)
I remember the girl who was always motivated and happy and encouraging! And that's still you! Seasons come and go, you may feel a bit more serious now for whatever reason, but it will pass and you're still you :) and you're funny and adorable and always fashionably savvy and sooo soooo sweet, ALWAYS, cause that's just who you are, even if you have to mix in some serious moments too ;)
I just wanna say thank you! I felt this exact way. I'm a young mother. My daughter is now 16 months old & healthy as can be and smart. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy, it didn't feel like me and I was sick for 9 months. I always felt bad about it. I love my daughter more than anything in the world. I would endure the 9 months all over again for her. It doesn't mean that I love her any less. I'm just simply not good at being pregnant( lol). I gave birth to a beautiful 8lb 10 oz baby girl and I had an epidural and right after she was in my arms she had a bottle. She is just as healthy and well off as a baby that would have been breast fed. I knew breast feeding was not for me because I knew I was going to need help. I was scared and worried I would ruin her life. Although, not to brag I think I have done pretty good for her & myself. Maybe breast feeding is best for others but it wasn't for me, you are this little boys mother & you know whats best for him & you! Not anyone else :)
ReplyDeleteYou're amazing girl! We all have to make decisions that are best for us. =) xoxo A-
ReplyDeleteI dont really know you that well, at all for that matter besides in cyber space (although i do hope to become friends in real life, we do go to the same church afterall, and whatnot...) But all the things your describing are NOT bad at all. i can totally relate. I did love my pregnacy, mostly because i loved that i had an excuse to have a huge belly- and on top it was even considered "cute" but the natural birth, the brestfeeding, all that i relate. i first wanted to do a water birth (really bad) but insurance didnt cover it, and then i wanted to try to di it naturally, but by the end of pregnancy, i really just didnt care, i just wanted her OUT. (birth story on my blog) the epidural was UH-MAZE-ING. loved it. wouldnt ever do it differently. In fact- for me, if i would have done it any other way, i might not have a baby today. (again see my birthstory, thats a whole nother story)
ReplyDeleteThe main thing is that you give you baby love, nothing else matters. the love and care they need. no matter what method that means....
and i KNOW you will do that. you will be all googly eyed over your sweet boy. One thing that epople dont really tell you in full is that its REALLY hard the first few weeks. (atleast it was for me) i loved being a mother, but i cried. alot. i felt weird, and had cabin fever from being stuck at home.... having other mother to talk to, especially in the middle of the night while your up feeding is awesome. it helps me alot! if you ever need someone to talk to after you have your baby, even if its texting or whatever in the middle of the night, let me know :)
This post is amazing!
ReplyDeleteI'm not pregnant but hope to be soon. I have a lot of fears about it though. It's good to know there are nice moms out there who don't judge others. Thank goodness; some of the mommies of the interweb are nutso!
You look beautiful, great outfit on you! I never have had a baby before, but I think these feelings are normal. Thank you for being real, for being YOU and choosing what is best for your situation. God bless!!
ReplyDeleteSarah i loved this post!! I'm a midwife and i cant tell you how many times I tell my patients that the best approach to birth is to be open-minded! You can have the most articulate au-natural plan but you never know how your going to cope until your in the throws of labour. Babys are the boss and sometimes you just need to go with the flow, trust your midwives and just ask for help when if gets a little too much. That way you cant be disappointed. Same goes with breast feeding too!
ReplyDeleteLoving the blog, your rocking the bump!! :)
Mama, Education is KEY. If you and Ian educate yourself fully and make a decision, then that is the right decision for you. A lot of people do not take the time to do this though which is sad. I have seen so many mama's have less then positive experiences and have wished so badly that they would have known more. They assumed that everyone within the hospital walls had their best interests at heart, but it just was not true. Knowledge is power and empowering! To know what you want and why you want it and to be able to stand up for it is a beautiful thing. I knew what I wanted. People tried to tell me my choices were wrong, but I knew it was the absolute 100% best thing for me and my babies. I spent 3 years researching and experiences all kinds of births, which is how I landed where I did. Sarah, you are a beautiful, wise and intelligent woman. If you educate yourself on all aspects of birth and breast feeding, you will know what is best for you! Do not be bullied on either side.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I am a regular reader of your blog, but with a little one around now I am not much of a commenter, but this post caught my attention and I just wanted to chime in. I want to start of by saying that I absolutely am not judging you and your choices. I think you and Ian are going to be wonderful parents and you are going to do it your way and that is great - the opinions never stop after you deliver your baby...if anything other parents get even MORE opinionated and it's important to remember that YOU will know Greyer better than anyone else and only YOU can make the right decisions for him. I chose to have a drug-free water birth when I had Fern, but I realize that this is not for everyone...it was just the environment where I felt safest...the hospital felt scary to me and the thought of an epidural or a c-section was far more intimidating than the pain I expected from childbirth (*side note: I am a total pain wuss and it wasn't nearly as bad as I had hyped it up to be in my mind). I believe that whatever environment and circumstances that make you feel safest and most confident in is the right way for you to do birth. I did however want to share my experience with breast feeding....
ReplyDeleteLike you, breastfeeding always sort of creeped me out. The idea of having a little human attached to my boob honestly made me cringe. I feel like breasts are very much tied to our femininity as women and I didn't want to give that up for a baby. In retrospect I realize that this was probably because I hadn't really had much exposure to breastfeeding so it was kind of foreign to me, but at the time all I knew was that it seemed weird. But, somewhat begrudgingly, I decided to give it a go because I knew that breast milk was the best thing I could give to Fern.
I'm not going to lie and tell you it was all sunshine and roses. It wasn't. It sucked for awhile and to be completely real, I totally hated breastfeeding in the beginning. But, I kept going and now - 6 months later - I am so glad that I stuck with it. I still have to supplement Fern with formula because I've never been able to produce a ton of milk, but she gets at least half of her milk from me and that makes me feel good - I figure that some breast milk is better than no breast milk even though some people tend to have an all-or-nothing mentality (giving a baby some formula is NOT the end of the world!). I've also really grown to enjoy the bonding time that it provides for us....yes me...the girl who was creeped out by the idea of breastfeeding has actually come to appreciate it. There's just something about knowing that I can provide what my baby needs that is beautiful...and on a more practical note, it's SO much more convenient than bottle feeding - I do both bottle feeding AND breastfeeding so I've seen both sides of the coin - and it's also the absolute cure all for a grumpy baby. If all else fails to soothe Fern, nursing usually will do the trick.
I am not trying to tell you that you should or shouldn't breastfeed. Only you can decide that, but I just wanted to offer you a different perspective from someone who came from a place maybe a little similar to you. If you would've told me I would be a drug-free, water-birthing, breast feeding mama a few years ago, I probably would've laughed, but here I am now...having done all of these things. I guess my point is that I hope you keep an open mind so you can figure out what will work best for you and Greyer once the time comes...and who knows...you may even end up liking breastfeeding after all :).
Praying for you in your final weeks of pregnancy - I'm so looking forward to the onslaught of precious baby photos and reading about your experiences as a mama. You are going to do great!
xo
Lauren
As you know, I am a regular reader of your blog, but with a little one around now I am not much of a commenter, but this post caught my attention and I just wanted to chime in. I want to start of by saying that I absolutely am not judging you and your choices. I think you and Ian are going to be wonderful parents and you are going to do it your way and that is great - the opinions never stop after you deliver your baby...if anything other parents get even MORE opinionated and it's important to remember that YOU will know Greyer better than anyone else and only YOU can make the right decisions for him. I chose to have a drug-free water birth when I had Fern, but I realize that this is not for everyone...it was just the environment where I felt safest...the hospital felt scary to me and the thought of an epidural or a c-section was far more intimidating than the pain I expected from childbirth (*side note: I am a total pain wuss and it wasn't nearly as bad as I had hyped it up to be in my mind). I believe that whatever environment and circumstances that make you feel safest and most confident in is the right way for you to do birth. I did however want to share my experience with breast feeding....
ReplyDeleteLike you, breastfeeding always sort of creeped me out. The idea of having a little human attached to my boob honestly made me cringe. I feel like breasts are very much tied to our femininity as women and I didn't want to give that up for a baby. In retrospect I realize that this was probably because I hadn't really had much exposure to breastfeeding so it was kind of foreign to me, but at the time all I knew was that it seemed weird. But, somewhat begrudgingly, I decided to give it a go because I knew that breast milk was the best thing I could give to Fern.
I'm not going to lie and tell you it was all sunshine and roses. It wasn't. It sucked for awhile and to be completely real, I totally hated breastfeeding in the beginning. But, I kept going and now - 6 months later - I am so glad that I stuck with it. I still have to supplement Fern with formula because I've never been able to produce a ton of milk, but she gets at least half of her milk from me and that makes me feel good - I figure that some breast milk is better than no breast milk even though some people tend to have an all-or-nothing mentality (giving a baby some formula is NOT the end of the world!). I've also really grown to enjoy the bonding time that it provides for us....yes me...the girl who was creeped out by the idea of breastfeeding has actually come to appreciate it. There's just something about knowing that I can provide what my baby needs that is beautiful...and on a more practical note, it's SO much more convenient than bottle feeding - I do both bottle feeding AND breastfeeding so I've seen both sides of the coin - and it's also the absolute cure all for a grumpy baby. If all else fails to soothe Fern, nursing usually will do the trick.
I am not trying to tell you that you should or shouldn't breastfeed. Only you can decide that, but I just wanted to offer you a different perspective from someone who came from a place maybe a little similar to you. If you would've told me I would be a drug-free, water-birthing, breast feeding mama a few years ago, I probably would've laughed, but here I am now...having done all of these things. I guess my point is that I hope you keep an open mind so you can figure out what will work best for you and Greyer once the time comes...and who knows...you may even end up liking breastfeeding after all :).
Praying for you in your final weeks of pregnancy - I'm so looking forward to the onslaught of precious baby photos and reading about your experiences as a mama. You are going to do great!
xo
Lauren
Also...it is TOTALLY normal to not feel like yourself during pregnancy. I felt like a jerk because I had a super easy pregnancy, but I still didn't really like being pregnant. I just felt awkward and uncomfortable. It still lasted for the first month or so postpartum - the crazy hormones didn't help :(, but eventually slowly but surely I started to feel like myself again and you will too :). These are the things everyone feels, but nobody talks about and it's great that you are sharing them and being transparent and authentic...women need to see more of this!
ReplyDeleteWhatever u choose for
ReplyDeleteYou and your baby is the right choice. I didn't love
Pregnancy at all. I had a really hard time. Does that make me a bad
Mom? Absolutely not- I love
My son more then anything. He is our whole
Life (my & my husbands). I also had a
Really hard time breast feeding & pumped for 6 months and he had a bottle. I felt bad about it in the beginning because of other "moms" comments. But honestly I decided that it's none of their business to judge me. So I say go for what makes you comfortable. It's best for you & baby. Also I had a c-section too & am so glad I did. No regrets babe!! Just love!! My best to you & your new bundle of joy!
You know I really understand you even though I am not pregnant. Does that make sense? My husband and I have been talking about a family...and just thinking about it makes me realize that I would have 9 months...to be super serious..and cautious about everything. 9 months to stay home a lot instead of joining my friends out. But you know what...I think its just preparing you for motherhood...during motherhood you will have times that you have to be serious...and you will have times that you feel like what you are doing is not what everyone else is doing..but hey it's okay...no one said one way was the right way!
ReplyDeleteYou seriously are growing and glowing by the week! Every time I stop by here I see your adorable bump bigger and you are looking so adorable! Really you are!
ReplyDeleteI tottaly understand and know where you're coming from!! When I was pregnant with my first son I didnt enjoy being pregnant at all. Besides the first 3 months were torture of voming daily and being so sick. I was depressed. Cried all the time. It hit be later and when I became more plump and I think right after second trimester started I began to love and enjoy my growing miracle inside of me. But about the Epidural, Breastfeeding,etc..all of those topics are YES important and its nice to hear out different stories and other mommies opinions..but honestly ITS your decison, on how and what you decide to do that best fits you!
I almost gave up after a month of nursing, baby wouldnt latch on, nipples were sore, I cried and was like screw this why am I torturing my self! But then something happened and my son just latched on perfectly and I nursed for 9 months! The best feeling ever! But dont get me wrong I introduced formula and he took both boob and bottle for me and I loved it! So girl, read what you read, take peoples advice, but ultimately when it will come down, its what YOU think is comfortable for you and your babe. Hang in there girl!! You will be a wonderful mama! It will change your life completely but only for the BEST!
Olga